There You Were

It has been an incredibly difficult week for me. Scratch that. It's been an incredibly difficult year plus for me. I know that I sometimes to try to put on this air of confidence that I have it all figured out. I don't. In fact, the truth is, I feel like I am this close to losing "it" some days.

Yesterday in particular, I was in such despair. Stress literally made me so sick, I felt like I had the flu. It was in this moment that I was completely honest with God:

"I don't think I can do this. Please, pick someone else. I don't know how to serve you in this. I don't know what you want. You are asking too much from me."

I usually to try to be obedient and willing to do God's will. But to be completely honest, yesterday, I did not want to...at all. If I can be completely honest, I'm not sure if I am fully there yet.

In my moments of self-pity, I typically turn to Facebook, the phone, or sleep. But yesterday, I went to some Christan blogs. In my readings, I was reminded of some of the Biblical greats who were asked with some heavy tasks. Joesph, the three Hebrew boys, Paul, Jesus, just to name a few. These men suffered greatly but kept God at the center.

In Genesis, after Joesph was sold into slavery, unjustly thrown into prison, and forgotten by man. The Bible states, "The Lord was with Joesph" (Genesis 37-50).

Please remember that the Lord is not a respecter of persons. If God was with Joseph in everything, he will be with you too.



Every test should result in a testimony. "I am glad when I suffer for you in my body, for I am participating in the sufferings of Christ that continue for his body, the church." - Paul (Colossians 1:24)

Paul. He's seriously has to be in my top 5 of favorite Biblical people. He's amazing. He suffered tremendously but still learned to be "content." Through his challenges, he kept his joy and his peace which can only come from Christ. (Philippians 4--seriously read it).

Jesus in the midst of sweating blood, prayed for God's will to be done. (Luke 22:42-44)

These men provide amazing examples of keeping the faith in the midst of chaos; however, today, I am more like Moses. The man with flaws who asked God to pick someone else. The man who was fearful of the task in front of him. The man that ran away from his problems. The man who made mistakes. The man who God who had chosen. The man who God called to himself. The man who God walked with to do incredible things.

Sometimes, we all are like Moses. We are so focused on the task in front of us that our vision on God becomes cloudy. While we may not be called to lead a group of people out of slavery, the premise stays the same. God will be with us and strengthen us to do things that are beyond us. He will lift our heads. He will give us strength and comfort. He will be God over your life if you allow him to be.

  You were there, You were there
During history's darkest hour
You were there, You were there always
You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one
You were, You are and You will always be
the Risen Lamb of God

-Avalon

God understands. He will be with you and fight every battle you face (2 Chronicles 20:15, Psalm 46:10). He's right there with you.

Love,

Courtney

Love Your Enemies

 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that 

    hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you Matthew 5:44 

   By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another John 13:35

The word "love" is used over 300 times in the Bible. God is described as love, it's who he is (1 John 4:8). We, Christians, are told to love. The first and greatest commandment is to love God and the second is to love others (Matthew 22:38).

God would not constantly tell us to love if he did not mean it. As an English teacher, I teach students to understand that if an author repeats something continuously, then he is trying to express its importance.  

Even though God wants us to walk in love, I realize that it is something some of us struggle with. In fact, last year, seeds of hatred and bitterness started to take root in my heart. I never realized all of the things teachers have to deal with until I became one. Honestly, the biggest challenge for me is dealing with different personalities. I have had kids call me out of my name, roll their eyes at me, spread rumors about me, talk about me on social media, and basically attempt to make my life miserable. Truthfully, it worked. My heart that was once softened for teenagers became hardened and calloused.

I would lift my hands in worship, serve in the church, and encourage others in the Lord. But my heart wasn't right.

Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. 1 John 4:20-21

You cannot hate your neighbor and say that you love God. It's oil and water, it simply does not go together. You see, I thought I was fine.

I have the right to be angry. I am justified in my anger. I cannot love someone like that. I will forgive them later. You don't know what they did to me. They make my job horrible.

You see, I knew the truth. I just choose to believe my own lies. The Bible is pretty clear when it says to love your neighbor. You cannot pick and choose to love who you want.

When you let anger, unforgiveness, and hatred brew in your heart it grieves the Holy Spirit living within you. God is patient with us, and he will give us prompting in our spirits to surrender the workings of the flesh to him. However, God is too pure to live within a person who shuns his commands and rejects his words (Ephesians 4:30-32).

So you may be asking yourself, "Okay, so how do I love my enemies?"

Follow the steps in Matthew 5:44:

Love your enemies 

Bless them that curse you

         Do good to them that hate you

         Pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you 

I'm still dealing with difficult people. But I realize I cannot call myself a Christian, and not act like Christ. Even while Jesus was on the cross dying for our sins, he forgave the people who nailed him there (Luke 23:34).
                                                                                                      


Thanks to God, I have forgiveness and love for everyone now. It did not happen over night for me, it took time and help from the Holy Spirit. But seriously, I don't have time to harbor unforgiveness; I need God to forgive me of my many, many  sins (Matthew 6:15).



So yes, bad things can happen to you, people can do you wrong, and life does not go as planned. But in every moment, ask God to help you to forgive and love over and over again (Matthew 18:21-22).


Be blessed.

Courtney

My Battle With Anxiety

Time freezes. Sweat breaks out. Breathing quickens. Sleepless nights. Thoughts consume.

In June 2015, something scary happened to me one night. That fear stayed with me for months. I thought someone was going to kill me. I thought someone was watching me. I reverted back to sleeping with a nightlight. This fear seemed completely rationale, and while it was a little, I let it control my actions. A few months later, I was able to naturally get over it, combined with a move and prayer.

Fast forward to early 2016. I was at a job that I began to hate. A job where criticism was strong. A job that I thought I was failing at. A job that I took home with me daily, workload and memories. I started to become extremely hard on myself. I usually aim for perfection, and this situation was not playing out perfectly. I would replay events of the day over and over in my head. It was like all I could focus on was went wrong.

My thoughts began to cripple me. I would come home from work and lay in the bed unable to get up until my pets made me take care of them. I would cry and give myself pep talks most days just to get out of the door and go to work. Sometimes at random times, memories would fill me and I would forget what I was doing. It was like I was stuck in my mind.

The only one who can calm me during episodes like above is Jesus. When my mind is flooded with fear and uncertainty, he holds out his hand to me. He is always there. I just have to remind me self this. In almost every situation, 1 Peter 5:7 comes to mind. "Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." This verse speaks such power. Let God have your anxieties, it's not your battle to fight. He wants to carry your troubles because he cares for you (Matthew 11:29-30). You are not alone. "It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed" Deuteronomy 31:8.

God came that we may have life and have it to the full (John 10:10). Yes, we will troubles, the Bible promises that (John 16:33), but I believe that with Jesus our troubles will not have us. I am becoming increasing aware that in my moments of weaknesses, God provides his steadfast strength (1 Corinthians 12:9).


So how do I overcome anxiety? I don't. I give it to the God who cares. I ask God to take it away. I pray. Times when I can't pray, I just sit in his presence. I turn on Christian music. I remind myself of all of the glorious things God has done for me on my behalf. I warfare and put the devil in his place. I read my Bible or I open my audio version of my Bible.

I remind myself that the battle is not mines, but it is the Lord's (2 Chronicles 20:15).

The gates of hell will not prevail. I don't live with anxiety because every time I turn to God he puts it to death. When my eyes are upon the Lord, he keeps me in perfect peace (Isiah 26:3). Understand that God is greater than anything and everything. Anxiety. Depression. Fear. Anger. Lust. Whatever, you fill in the blank. However, if you need help, get it. If medicine will help you, then use it. I know I talk to friends and family and they help me, but ultimately, no one can completely heal like Jesus.

Go in peace. 

Love,

Courtney

Stuck in Singleness?

Hey, you! Yes, you! The one with the Pintrest wedding board. The one who cries herself to sleep due to loneliness. The one who is always a third wheel. The one who obsessively goes on dates. The one who flirts with any guy who can pass the peas.

To the one who struggles with singleness.

You may not be struggling with singleness as hard as some. But if you're like me, sometimes there are days and weeks where you LOVE being single and other times you're not a fan.

I want to be transparent here because it's a little taboo to admit that you need help on this topic. So many single, Christian women appear to have it all together and don't struggle, and I will be the first to admit that I struggle sometimes. The great thing about being a follower of Christ is that he helps us through the hard times.

I have people in my life who straight up ask me, "Why are you single?" I'm sure most people mean well when they butt into your relationship (uh, lack of relationship) life. So apply patience and love to even the hardest questions (James 1:19).

It is  hard to focus on enjoying this season when there is so much pressure, but let me ask you this...Who's in your ear? Is it the people who tell you what to do with your life or is it the Voice of Truth who holds your life in His hand?

Jesus speaks peace. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you..." John 14:27. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee." Isaiah 26:3. 

Fix your eyes on Jesus and keep re-fixing your eyes (Psalm 121:1-2). Don't lose focus.

The cold, hard truth is this, we are placed on this earth to serve the one true God, Jesus. Everything else is secondary. Your relationship status? Secondary. Your desire for marriage? Secondary. Your want to have children? Secondary.

Don't let things that are secondary become your primary focus.

Tips on how to do this?

1. Stay busy. "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength..." Isaiah 40:31. How are you waiting? Are you just sitting around on standby until God moves how you like? Or, are you serving Him and others? Is your focus on pleasing the Lord, or is it on waiting around in idle mode until some guy pops into your life?

2. Stop your Pintrest wedding board and the like. Shift your focus on a day that might happen in the future and transfer it to the ever present King of Kings.

3. Stop your daydreams about guys. Stop imagining conversations with the guy you like. Stop imagining your future wedding day. Stop going back and forth on if he likes your not. If he does, he'll let you know.  It is all so distracting. Seriously though, this is one point that I definitely still need prayer on. As I ended my day recently, I was convicted in that I thought more about this guy than I did talking to God. In cases like these, I have to ask, who is your god? Are you making a man or a relationship status your idol? "There is a war for your worship"- Alex Faith. What you feed grows. So stop feeding vain ideologies and cast down EVERY thought that tries to exalt itself up against the knowledge of God and bring EVERY thought to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).

4. Don't compromise. Remember who you are as a child of God. You don't have to settle. You do not have to go on every date you get asked on. You do not have to worry about your future, God is already working it out for your good (Matthew 6:34, Romans 8:28).

5. Get friends who understand. It's always nice to have someone in your corner who you can be honest with and vent to. 

6. Enjoy life. Take girls trips. Get to know yourself. Love yourself. Eat cereal for dinner. Live your life now, don't just wait until a guy comes along.

7. Grow closer to God. "And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit." 1 Corinthians 7:33. What better time to focus solely on Jesus when you're single?

You are not alone. You are special. You are one of a kind. Enjoy this single season.

Love,

Courtney

Trusting God through the Process

 Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. Deuteronomy 8:2. 

"The wilderness has purpose" - Jennifer Cannon. 

Life is full of challenges and hardships. Jesus said it himself, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world" John 16:33. 

The key to making it through the challenges and hardships is Jesus. He is the secret ingredient. 

I'm not here to act like I have gotten it all figure it out. In fact, I sometimes wander around in the wilderness and block my blessings because of my attitude. The thing is that we all have rough spots in life, but we must remember his promises. 

This year has been one of my toughest seasons of my life. I struggled with my job, people, situations, bills, and it was difficult to trust God. Even when life is hard to understand, we must trust God through the process. 

Trust God even when we can't trace him. 

We can learn so much through the story of the Isrealites. They were the people who God rescued from the hand of the Egyptians and promised a land flowing with milk and honey. But because of disobedience and their hearts, their eleven day trip turned into a 40 year journey! 

So here's a heart check: Are you wandering around in the wilderness? How is your attitude? How is your heart? Are you trusting God to be your provision? Are you making an idol out of your problems? 

Honestly, I've wandered around in my confusion with a messed up attitude, a poor heart, and made my concerns my god. 

It's so easy to look at the Israelites and appear confused as to how they could forget God's promises and miracles so easily. Like, God opened the Red Sea for you, get your life! Andddd then, they had the nerve to complain to God.

God revealed to me through another blog how I was paralleling my life to the Israelities. I focused more on my issues and not enough on God. I allowed my wilderness to make me bitter and not better. I complained over praising. 

Understand that our wildernesses are used to test our hearts. How pure are we for God? God tells us that we can have peace in the midst of our storms because he has already overcame it all. So...where is your heart? 

Peace,

Courtney

My Life as a 20 Something

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing  (James 1:2-4).

If you are one of my closer friends this year, then you know how trying of a year it has been for me. This was my first year out of college, my first time fully taking care of myself, my first job in my major, my first year of adulting.

My intent of this post is to be authentic and offer what I have learned over the past 9 months. I've divided my "lessons" into sections below.

MOVING AWAY:

In August, I moved to a town 200 miles away from my family and a 100 miles away from my college friends. Everyone I knew was a few hours drive away, which is not the kind of driving I like to do in my fairly unstable car. In the natural, I was alone. However, in my loneliness, God was there. Life Tip #1- Whenever you feel lonely, turn to God. ( Deuteronomy 31:6). The amazing thing is that God is just a prayer away. In the times I felt like my heart would break and tears would overflow my eyes, God was there to wrap his loving embrace over me.  (Jeremiah 29:12-13). People are not meant to be alone. While I am half of an introvert, I know that I don't like to be alone every second of my life. A great way to break loneliness is to not just spend time with Jesus, but to also spend time with people. 
So in order to have friends, you have to make an effort (Proverbs 18:24). So, get out there! Go to socials. Be friendly. Start a conversation with a stranger. (Hint: Church is a great place to meet people. Christians are supposed to be friendly. So go and find you some friends :)

FINDING A CHURCH HOME:
I knew that I needed to find a place where I could GROW spiritually and make some friends. I took some recommendations from people, went on Google to find places, and hopped in  the car every Sunday to find somewhere for me. There are plenty of good churches in my town, but the ones I went to were not great for me. I was at a new church almost every week for about 2 months. My advice for those searching for a church home is to keep looking. Do not give up. Do not settle (you can't play with your spiritual life). Do not forsake the gathering of saints (Hebrews 10:25). In other words, keep going to church even if you haven't found what you're looking for. When I would go to churches that may have fit 3 out of the 4 of my requirements, I would ask God if that was it. Every time, I would feel a stirring in my spirit and move on. Life Tip #2- If you don't feel peace about something, don't do it. 
 I was finally led to my church home on their last day in their old building. It met all of my requirements. While it took some time to find, I know that it was nothing but God who led me there. It truly is the perfect fit for me at this point in my life. God can help you find your place of worship too (Ephesians 3:20).

QUARTER LIFE CRISIS:
This term is defined as  "a period of life ranging from twenties to thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult." Not going to lie, I have felt this "quarter life crisis" more times than I can count.  This transition from college to career life has not been as smooth as I would have hoped. God tells us directly in his word that we will have trouble, but we also have Him (John 16:33). One of the serious things I'm learning in this season is to trust God. More times than I can even count, I've tossed my hands in the air and felt hopeless. Truth be told, I am uncertain on what God's specifically telling me to do. I'm not sure what my next move is. I have no idea how my life will look like in 5,10,15, or 20 years. One of my favorite, not so favorite, prayers has been "God, why am I here?" Life Tip # 3 God has a purpose for everyone. Everyone is called to worship God and bring people to Christ (Matthew 28:19-20). But I'm stuck a little bit more on the specifics. 
Trusting God means that you'll go where ever he tells you or to stay put if needed. Instead of always praying, "God, why am I here?" Tell God, "I will TRUST you while I am here." No, I'm not exactly sure where my life is headed. But as long as I continue to do life with Jesus, I know that I am all good. 

 LIFE IS A SURPRISE:
Life tip #4- Prepare for the unexpected. I would have not have imagined that both of my pets would need surgery, I would get a ton of my clothes stolen,  or my car's transmission would start leaking all within the past 8 months. If there's one thing that I've learned this past year, is that money goes fast. I have gotten $80 out of the ATM on Wednesday and on Saturday I'm trying to figure out where it went. Life tip #5 God takes care of his kids (Psalm 37:25). Some of the expenses I mentioned above, God sent people to bless me. That's a whole other blog post, but God will take care of the big and small of your life. 

 COMPARISON:
From about the age of 9 or so, there's been this ideology of how my life will go. It's something along the lines of a Nicolas Spark's movie. Life tip #6 Stop it! No like seriously, stop it. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing with having goals and ideas on how your life will look in a few years. But my problem was that it sort of became an obsession. I spent too much time in dreamland and not enough in reality. God knows our heart's desires (Proverbs 37:4). He gets it. He who created the heart knows what yours holds. Facebook has not been my friend as of late. I sometimes need to take a step back because I end up creeping on friend's profiles. I see them traveling the world, loving their jobs, getting married, living in beautiful places, and appearing to have the time of their lives. Almost everyone wants to appear like they have a seemingly perfect life with only minor problems. When I post pictures on Facebook, it's me being surrounded by friends with a smile on my face. It's not my usual everyday life where I'm on Youtube for hours watching pranks, eating fast food, or hanging out with my pets. 

Life tip #7 Be content with your portion. I'm not saying that you shouldn't change your life if needed. What I am saying is that what God places in your hands, be faithful over it and joyous (Luke 16:10). Bloom where you are planted. I shouldn't get jealous because one of my Facebook friends are getting married or buying new cars (Exodus 20:17). I should be thanking God for my singleness, for a roof over my head, and for my car that gets me to point A  to point B. I'm so blessed, and I miss this fact by focusing on others blessings. Life tip #8 Comparison is the thief of joy. When you start feeling ughhh about your life, log off of Facebook and get into prayer mode. 

MENTAL HEALTH:
I've had  problems with depression in my past. It was a spirital battle (Ephesians 6:10-18). After getting serious with God about 6 years ago, I've only had one serious relapse that lasted a couple of weeks. God is my medicine. When I was irrational and not mentally stable, it was because my eyes were not on my maker (Psalm 121:1-2). This first official year of adulting has been one my most challenging seasons. The pressures of work and life left crippled, unable to get out of bed, with no desire to eat.  I can honestly say that what I thought would break me only bent me closer to God (Romans 8:28). 

Life tip #9 Get up and keep moving. I thank God for my animals. The fact that I have two little ones to take care helped to get me out of bed some days. Overall though, get help if you need it. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. It is also nice to have people in your life who will listen to you talk about the same thing for hours. (Thank you for the people who did this for me!) The best help is Jesus. Pray to him, get in your word, keep worship music on (Psalm 94, Psalm 91). Tell the devil to take his ugly paws off of your life and  your mind, and give it to God (don't pick it back up). 

KNOW WHO YOU ARE:
This year, more so than college, I've questioned who I am. Life tip #10 Remember you identity is in God.  When people used of the devil try to tell you who you are, know what God's word says.  (Check this site out-- https://bible.org/article/who-does-god-say-i-am). Your morals and beliefs may be challenged, and you'll be required to self-assess. Know what you believe and stick to it. (It better be the things of Christ. LBS). 

No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead Philippians 3:13---and sometimes that's all you can truly do. 

Keep Christ First.

Peace and Love. 

Courtney