I remember being an extremely self-conscious teenager. While I appeared to be confident due to my outgoing personality, I had issues with my self-esteem. I remember trying to starve myself because I thought I wasn’t skinny enough (it lasted about a week because, well, I love food too much). The strongholds of insecurity were due to my feelings of inferiority. Growing up I was teased a lot. Let me tell you, words have the power to affect. I grew up thinking I was ugly, dumb, fat, and worthless. Even as I write this right now, tears spring to my eyes due to how blinded I was by the enemy.
So how did I eventually learn to love myself? I learned to love Christ first. 1 John 4:8 states, “Whoever does not have love does not know God, because God is love.“ I truly believe that in order to love yourself and others you first have to know God. I would not have the love of Christ if I did not know him. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 explicitly explains what love is “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”
When I think about Jesus, I think about so many things. However, it’s his love and his promises that stick out to me as I am writing this blog. He promises to work out all things for our good for those who love him (Romans 8:28). Wow. When I was depressed and couldn’t understand my worth, God got me through. Clinging onto God not only built our relationship, but it also gave me a testimony. Eventually, I figured I was a pretty confident gal and that I pretty much had it together, but then I took my eyes off of Christ. I was good as long as my weight stayed in a certain range, my hair stayed a good length, and I continued to get good grades in my classes.
Then 2013 happened.
It wasn’t like 2013 was absolutely terrible, it was just that at times my focus was more on my situations instead of God. Understand that just because things do not go as planned does not necessarily mean that God has removed his hand from your life. Looking back at God’s promise in Romans 8:28 reminds me that even through my painful situations God was still working it all out for my good.
Last year I was over-worked, stressed, fearful, intimidated, not doing as good as I would have like to do in school, and to top it off I lost my hair.
I was really broken. I could feel the chains of depression trying to bind me again. During this season my confidence was shattered. I walked with my head down and my value far from my mind. Through all of this, I kept wanting to feel healed by God. Now I realize that he had already given me the authority over the enemy and the lies he put in my mind. All I had to do was to accept God’s love towards me.
You have to understand that even if we fail or don’t look how we want to that God still loves us. The Lord says in Jeremiah 31:3, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” He loves us in our shame, pain, happiness, in everything and anything we go through. He loves us forever.
The Lord’s word to Samuel when he was uncertain about picking David to be the next king sticks out to me: “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” 1 Samuel 16:7. You see, God looks at your heart, not the way you look. He judges the heart. If you fail, remember that it’s not your works that can save you but God’s grace (Ephesians 2:8).
I’m not going to lie to you and say that I never feel insecure sometimes, but through my struggles and dependency on God I have come to the realization that my worth is found in God. If the Most High God loves me, then what am I doing worrying about what other people think of me? Remember whom you are in Christ and never forget it.
Quick list of some of the things I learned in 2013:
- Love yourself unconditionally. Even if you’ve messed up, cut off all your hair, gained weight, didn’t do as well as you could of…just love yourself.
- Treat yourself kindly.
- You’re beautiful.
- Know your worth.
- Confidence is attractive. Always be sure of yourself even when you’re not.
- God’s love is unending. He’s there in the good and the bad.
Jesus love you and so do I!
-Courtney
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